She had looked into the mirror and had her meltdowns. She was nowhere close to the notion of perfection– the slender, the curvaceous, the lean or the petite. She had had a huge pile of clothes in her wardrobe that was in the ‘not fitting’ list. The bulges on the body, the chin (the second one) calmly resting on its first counterpart, the numbers on the weighing scale have all given her jitters of life. She had been there all through.
But today she is happy.
She is happy because she has learnt to appreciate. She can pick up a heavy load of laundry, climb the 4th floor using stairs, travel distances, dance in the rain, play laugh and make merry with her little one, sleep and wake up without body aches and pains, cook for the family, eat a wholesome meal and feel hungry the next time.
She is happy because she has learnt to accept. The fact that she has been blessed with a unique body and it can’t be like someone else’s. The fact that it deserves to be loved, appreciated, encouraged, and invested.
She is happy because she understands her powers within. The blessing of being a woman– to procreate, to love unconditionally, to stay strong and look beyond the wear and tear her body might have gone through.
Of course it didn’t happen overnight. She had her own shares of pursuits and anxieties.
How it began!
There came a time when she was all charged up. She had to lose those extra pounds. How much she hated her bulging belly and those love handles! She had to perfectly fit into that dress. It really looked terrible when she had tried it. She had to get back to size small.
Greasy food, fattening food, aeriated drinks all were chalked off the list. And she was all salads, veggies, fruits, low fat, and gluten free. The meals were planned she was adhering to (or trying to) all that had been chalked out.
She felt deprived. One day she was convinced of doing a great job and the other day she was over treating herself followed by big lofty promises in her head. Then followed a nagging sense of guilt.
Nothing seemed to be working. Goals were set– for a function in the family, a special date or just random nothings. Goals were abandoned.
Somehow that food part was not just enough. No difference was made. She had to make some more additions.
Yoga! A bit of running! Walk! All of them!
A new pair of gym shoes, a bag and bottle; everything was all set. Sometimes the preparation of a plan grabs greater excitement than its execution. Working-out tops this list perhaps.
The first two weeks were a killer. The third mediocre. The fourth a disaster. Work commitments, an early hour conference at the school, an appointment to the doctor, something or the other just popped up. And rested in peace her plans.
After a hell lot of plans and additions and subtraction made to them, the numbers on the scale didn’t move. Even if they did for a while, soon they went back.; leaving her a little more hopeless.
Why nothing seemed to be working? What was it that just doesn’t seem to be right? A thousand such thoughts crossed her mind every day.
She was just not happy. Her girth seemed to be taking away her mirth!
And the realization!
Doing something which is not sustainable
She was pushing her body beyond its happy limits; pushing herself on the treadmill; pushing her taste buds towards the food on the palette. There was something too mechanical rather natural.
In reality, she just could not go eating the carrots and the greens all her life without appreciating it. In reality, she couldn’t push her body to bend, squat or push without connecting to it. So even if she achieved the goals she wanted to, they weren’t sustainable.
Body hate
She scanned her body for all the flaws it has. She disdained for its shape and size– the bulging belly, the hanging arms or the wrinkled neck. She was constantly judging, hating, and poking her body.
The diet culture and the weight loss culture was somewhere so deeply ingrained in her that she started to see the flaws that in reality might not have even existed. All this kept piling on and on, wiping her off her confidence, self-esteem and hope.
Useless pursuit of a perfect body image
She was struggling for achieving the notion of perfection perfect weight, perfect size or simply somebody she was supposed to look like. She wanted to look the way it was perceived to be beautiful. Like many of us, she had grown up with a notion of body ideal and beauty standards- Flat abdomen, curved waist, leaner thighs!
But in reality, there exists no rule-book to tell what is beautiful and what ain’t. This perception of body image is just an illusion created by the channels, the media and the sellers; as the saying goes, “Even the girl in the magazine doesn’t look like the girl in the magazine”. This running behind something which is supposedly beautiful lead to her pursuit being even more futile.
Her body deserved a lot more
She paused, studied and her mind took a leap of faith. She realized that her body is the souvenir of her life and what it has been through. This is the body that has seen the struggles and survived to be healthy. This is the body that that has celebrated the hours of her happiness, bore the pangs of her pains, gave the strength to achieve her goals. This is the body that has been the witness of her highs and lows.
Her body was her forever friend. And she gave it a gentler treatment she ever could. She stopped beginning her day with the curses for the number on the scale. She regarded her body as worthy– regardless of the food choices it made or the way it looked. She honored the nourishment and the appetite her body needed. She didn’t hate it for every inch that grew, rolling or shape she was in.
…and she practiced
Self-love over self-doubt. It takes time, but if we start loving our body the way it is, it will start loving us back too; thus giving more desiring results.
Mindfulness. A healthy body requires a better connection with mind. A more focused mind is better able to understand the cues of our body. What it needs? When it needs? How much is enough?
Ditching the scale. Constantly keeping a watch of the scale is a clear indication of a goal which is external and short term rather than the overall wellness. On the other hand, a broader perspective of health, leads the scales to automatically follow.
Embracing imperfections. There is nothing in the world as perfect. Every body is unique. Trying to be like somebody can only land us to a self-created unhappy world of our own.
Eating not by calories, tags and labels. The food should not be eaten by numbers– the numbers on scale, the count of calories, and the size of the portions. It should be eaten the way it is supposed to– to feed our soul.
Feeling beautiful. How can she look beautiful if she is deprived, anxious and unhappy? She chose to smile, express, be amazed, inspire, appreciate and have a beautiful mind. If one chooses to feel beautiful inside, that will show on the outside.
And finally, getting off the couch to make a difference– to herself and to someone else.
Soon she found her happier version of herself with a mind that was stronger and a body that was connected to its soul. There was no damn body to approve of the way she looked, other than herself. As far as her mind approved of what she was doing was right, she felt happier, stronger and more beautiful than ever before.
Mom's Diary 